I Come Undone (Help me. Please)

So Much Stranger, So Much Darker, So Much Madder, So Much Better

TW: Rape, victim blaming

(This was initially written almost two weeks ago and has been reworked before being posted here.)

Tomorrow is six years since the last time I was raped. What a terrible thing to have to say. The last time. A signifier of other times. Times that hide in the shadows of memory. Lurking. Waiting. Each time a ghost that plagues me. A specter to haunt me in the night. In darkness, I am surrounded by the ghosts of the traumas of the past. I can’t even count them. I know not their numbers.

6 years. 6 years. 6 years.

Words that echo and rattle and reverberate. Building. Consuming. Inescapable.

I feel alone.

My husband doesn’t know how to help. My wonderful, caring, compassionate, loquacious husband is at a loss for words.

I am alone.

Delusions of paranoia keep me from speaking to him. Words catch in my throat…

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